Monday 31 December 2012

Day 2...



“Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.

I love the above quote very much, one of my faves. In the words of my darling Alicia Keys...'Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart, you can try sleeping in my bed'. I'm sorry but this beautiful chica must have had her fair share of heartbreaks to be able to come up with such. Let me tell you what happens when you sleep with a broken heart, or well, what I think happens...

I thought I went to bed just okay last night, I mean of course I was hurting and all with a heavy heart, I tried praying but I just couldn't find the words, so I prayed in my heart and hoped God would still hear my cry for mercy and I immediately remembered another one of my favourite Bible verses Roman 8:26, of course Trust me, English girl at heart, my favourite interpretation of that verse is the English Standard Version and I quote thus 'Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words'. Hmmm depth upon depth. Whooosh!. So I felt reassured that the Lord would hear my heart's cry. 

Anyway back to the issue at hand, I woke up this morning crying, I couldn't believe it, as in literally had hot tears streaming down my pretty face when I opened my eyes. Imagine going to bed normally and waking up with tears, now tell me, if that's not the result of sleeping with a broken heart, then what is? What could possibly beat that?

Its New Year's Eve, its been a really crazy 2012 for me, in fact the way January 2012 dealt with me, it's just the grace of God really. Let's just say I started the year on a really rough note and scary thing is that it all came as a huge shock. I had prayed and fasted fervently in December 2011 for my life to have a fresh new start in 2012, only for January 2012 to arrive with a huge shock. #ShockOfLife as you twitterites like to coin stuff. It's like the devil knows when one is trying to put in an effort and then that's when the mongrel decides to strike. But anyway, that's his job, his job is to 'kill, steal and destroy' so my Bible tells me. It was a tough time for me, my family was far away, I was fresh outta Uni, had moved to a new city, had a new job, new environment and it was tough but the Holy Spirit kept me. I've always been used to living alone anyway, been living alone since I was 17 and I thank God my Parents 'dumped' me all alone in Cambridge at that young age. It built me. #Grateful

...but God has come to give life and to give it more abundantly and I'm thankful for 2012 because it has made me who I am today and I have learned from my mistakes which is why I know my 2013 will be amazeballs. This coming year is definitely my year, I can feel it already, God has not even started with me yet. My cousin once tweeted 'you GROW through what you GO through'. Bless his heart. Honestly, I have grown through and from, what I have gone through.

So I pray...
-That this 2013, my dream job will locate me and I can finally start building and focusing on my legal career. No more 'in the meantime' jobs. Amen.
-That I will become a stronger and wellrounded individual emotionally. Amen.
-That I will have better and healthier relationships; a man that would love, honour and PROTECT me because for me, love = protection; someone that will treat me like his own daughter and would never ever want to see me cry because my tears could break his heart; and most importantly, someone that I would be happy to love in return just the same; no holding back. Amen.
-That I will flee from all temptation and all manner of sin and seek God's Kingdom first because that is in actual fact, the best foundation to have. Every other thing will be added. Amen.

Wish you guys a prosperous new year ahead.

FNLP, xoxo

DeCeMbEr 30...the day I lost my pride...

Today was awesomely terrible, in all my twenty something odd years on this earth, never have I felt so humiliated and worthless before. Every bit of me just wants to scream, and then scream some more. I watched myself reduce myself to poop because of a man, a man I promised to love and cherish for the rest of my days, the first man I ever introduced to my Father, I remember looking into my Father's eyes and saying 'yes Dad he is definitely The One' so as I write this, I ask myself  Where did it all go wrong?

I have a lot going on in my life right now, it's funny how it's the one person that you expect to understand and just get you, that ends up being the one to tear you down and tear your world apart. I think the last time I felt this exact same way was when I was in Law School (08/09) and then, it was a really abusive relationship, in every way. Three/four years down the line, I'm beating myself up for allowing myself to relive such a moment. I used to be so damn strong, I have this scrapbook (in this part of the world, some of us call it the 'sign-out book' lol) from secondary school (I think I was about 15/16) and in it, my best friend then, mentioned that one of the reasons why she loved and admired me so much was how I dealt with and handled the opposite sex and that she wished she had my kind of emotional strength. Deep. Fast-forward to ten years later, What.A.Shame. Check this; this same best friend now does not understand how and why I have become such a 'weakling'.*Le sigh*.

I think over the years, due to a few pieces of advice here and there and in a bid to calm down, I relaxed a little and became erm, softer? Is that the word? Point of correction, I think I let it go way too far and somehow, it turned into weakness. Then, I was what the Yorubas would call "o le l'omo" (it means a 'hard child' or 'hard-hearted child' or something like that), I heard that phrase way too many times as a teen.

I'm a lawyer and a writer so I tend to read a whole lot. I read somewhere online that there are different kinds of tears. Furthermore, I also read that, and I quote 'after a woman cries, she has cleansed her soul and is now ready to take action, the infinite power within her kicks in and nothing can stop her decision to move on'. Okay here's the tricky bit, the writer goes further to explain that if the woman has a high self-esteem or is spiritual, the confidence to move on would flow naturally but if the reverse were the case, she would need some sort of support system, it could be counselling, to remind her of her power as a woman and that she is worthy to be. Hmmm very interesting article if I say so myself.

Okay, moving on. . .I will always say this, I miss the support system I had back when I was in University in England. Honestly, it was truly amazing and the best ever. From the Personal Tutors to the Lecturers to the Doctors to the Counsellors, amazeballs! In a weird way, up till today, I still believe my support system then, was what contributed to my ability to eventually make a 2:1 in my LLB and then go on to make a Merit in my LLM. Never EVER underestimate the powers of a good support system. It works wonders. I.Kid.You.Not

I am Woman. Pain is temporary. I love my Bible...'weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning'. I'm thankful for everything I'm dealing with and for the very reason that, as a result, I know my girl-child will not suffer. Ultimately, I will teach her to learn from these experiences. Lucky lucky girl.

So here's to December 30th my anniversary, the day I lost my pride, you are just one day to me by the special grace of God...joy always comes in the morning. 


FNLP, xoxo